Big(gest)Loser...11 months going strong...

The last couple weeks of Biggest Loser really hit me hard...in the heart!  I cried listening to their stories...the parts of how and why their bodies got out of control...their feelings of loss and unworthiness! 

I CAN totally relate...

First off let me tell you that I now know that I am good person and worthy of all that is good in this world...but I have come to realize that that hasn't always been the truth...I was given some pretty strong messages growing up that were hard to shake...but when getting them I didn't know any better..

Disclaimer:  What I am about to write is not meant to hurt anyone...it is my story..part of me that I feel needs to be told...I love my family and I have no regrets...

Growing up...from the age of lets say 10 on up I knew I was an athlete.  But back then there wasn't many outlets for females in the athletic world...but in the 4th grade I remember a girls softball team forming and I eagerly signing up...and playing and loving it...BUT NO ONE ever came to watch me play..NO ONE... I went on to play Volleyball and Softball in High School and never had a spectator

Growing up...I was warned to not get pregnant...(duh) BECAUSE I would not have anyone to help me raise that child..so I never really had relationships with boys in my teens...

Growing up...My dad died when I was 15 going on 16...to this day I miss my dad..I wonder what my life would have been...but then I realize that I wouldn't probably have my husband or girls...so no regrets just wonderment and occasional sadness...

Growing up...I was encouraged to drink and smoke cigarettes because it was the only way I would stay thin...

I have to say here that I was not overweight in High School...I wasn't thin...but not big...It was in college that I started putting on weight...again not huge..just not thin...

When I became an adult....and was pretty sure I was going to be engaged (actually I knew I was going to be cuz I told my then boyfriend...lol...to go buy me a ring with his tax return...he did)  I was told to not show off my ring because it wasn't THAT big of a deal...

CRUSHING...

So as you can see I was given some pretty strong messages about self-worth.  Another message I got was that I should idolize males..especially my brother...and to just stay quiet when he was being rude......(I love my brother..he is a good person and great dad) 

Please remember that I was well educated at this time...I had spent 4 years on my own...

Somewhere along the way I received one of those books that was from my mother...where she filled out the statements...

One that resonated with me was:  One thing I worry about ________________ (the blank was filled in with "your weight" WHAT?  

I was able to push many of these messages aside because I met a pretty fantastic man...someone who loved me for who I was...we started a family pretty much right away...and I loved being a mom...and I adored my children...I dedicated my life to them...I think I went to every event they were involved in...except one YMCA camp thing and some track meets (I am still sad about those Lindsay!) 

I put on lots of weight while pregnant...but I didn't really focus on that because I can really say I was happy...and busy...and working full time...

But those messages I mentioned above never really went away...I played and replayed them over and over...and stuffed my feelings...and fell in love (lol) with Diet Coke and chips and Girl Scout cookies and candy...and processed food...

One day...in 2012 I woke up...and I said enough...stop the pity party...I thought long and hard about the messages I was given growing up and said ENOUGH...

It was in 2012 that I decided that I have a lot to lose...if I didn't get my health back...if I didn't start taking care of myself..

So here it is 2013...2012 was amazing..2013 is looking up to be even better...

I am planning to keep working on my body

To find a sport to play...maybe Tennis

To train for and complete a Triathlon

I am still working on letting all those messages go...and to love myself!